My Pandora Teen Pop Station Must’ve Broken Up With Itself

This is what came on my Pandora station “My Inner Preteen is Crying Tears of OMG! OMG! OMG!”. In order.

“The Call”  – Backstreet Boys
My Take: “Hey baby, I’m out at the club and I’m going to be late, so don’t wait up” Translation: I’m going to cheat on you tonight

“Stikwitu” – Pussycat Dols
My Take: Skipped. I hate those bitches.

“How Did I Fall in Love” – Backstreet Boys
My Take: Pretty self-explanitory

“All Or Nothing” – O-Town
My Take: “No, I don’t want a threeway.”

“The Hardest Thing” – 98 Degrees
My Take: thatswhatshesaid Ahem. Sorry, “I don’t want to break up with you, but I HAVE to. It’s gonna suck to fake like I don’t love you, but it is what it is, baby”

“Dreaming of You” – Selena
My Take: This must be the song of the party who just got dumped and really misses the other. “Dreamin’ of you here with mmeeeeeeeeeeeee…”

“Hands Down” – Dashboard Confessional
My Take: The dumped must be kind of suicidal now, because that’s the only reason to listen to this crybaby pretty boy whine that much.

“Quit Playin’ Games With My Heart” – BSB
My Take: Reconciliation?

“Bridge Over Troubled Water” – Riley Armstrong
My Take: This is the worst cover of this song.

“When I Let My Guard Down” – The Mysteries of Life
My Take: Rebound?

“Now and Forever” – Richard Marx
My Take: This rebound must be serious. OR It’s the first dance of the new school year.

“Shape of My Heart” – BSB
My Take: The ex wants her back. He’s ditched his old, bad-influence friends. Juicy. Teenage love triangle? I bet the ex is going to take the new manboy behind the gym and beat his ass. Or get him pregnant, which would be way more interesting.

“Rollercoaster” – B*Witched
My Take: She doesn’t know who to pick. The old love who hurt her, but she loves the guy who she made out with behind the bleachers the first time. But this new guy is solid and her parents like him. Who to pick. Or she just wants to smoke some weed . Actual lyrics: So don’t be shy / You’ll soon be high / We’ll touch the sky

“Time After Time” – Ronan Keating
My Take: She had a tryst with the old bf to see if that spark is still there.  Fact: Ronan’s version does not even compare to Cyndi Lauper’s.

“My Prerogative” – Bobby Brown
My Take: She chose the old one. That whole “Shape of My Heart” business was a sham. She’s back with him and he hasn’t changed a bit. Not only is the old-new guy heart broken, but this douche is just rubbing salt in his wounds being all cocky and making sure to kiss this girl on the mouth whenever he sees new-ex in the halls.

“Like A Virgin” – Madonna
My Take:  “I’ve never done that before” – Girl #lie

“Don’t Stop Believin'” – Journey
My Take: NewEx is super bummed. He can’t stand seeing her with someone else, so he took the midnight train goin’ anywhayre. He’s not sure if he’s meant to win, lose, or sing the blues.

“Take My Breath Away” – Berlin
My Take: Fast-forward 5 years. Girl meets NewEx (here on out known as “Maverick”). Maverick’s a fighter pilot. She married super douche, popped out 2 kids and he left her for an 18 year old college freshman. Maverick strolls into the diner she’s waiting tables at. They talk. They laugh. They hook up and it’s exquisite. Then someone asks for their change and she wakes up. In reality, he was there. She was there. He didn’t recognize her. Sucks for her.

“I’m Yours” – Jason Mraz
My Take: Mav’s song for his new wife. Burn, Girl!

And I’m out.


~ by Mergan Fierce on August 19, 2009.

One Response to “My Pandora Teen Pop Station Must’ve Broken Up With Itself”

  1. OMG i have never really thought about the Rollercoaster lyrics!!! you have just opened my eyes to the corrupt world that is B*Witched lol

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